July 31, 2008

By Dr. Mary McDonald

Superintendent of Catholic Schools, Secretary of Education

My father had an incredible knack for summing up volumes of an entire philosophy in just one sentence. While I was growing up, I did not always appreciate the wisdom hidden in his advice. In fact, I usually found it annoying and would have preferred that he just give me a straight answer, one I didn't have to think about to ferret out a meaning. But I never could change him or his way of responding. Perhaps that is why I have come to understand, and value, his favorite advice to me: "never try to teach a pig to sing, it will only frustrate you and annoy the pig."

There were more than a few times in my life that I had to relearn that lesson. It is part of the human condition to be tempted to think that if we just try a little harder, we can change another person.

It is not good enough that a person is made in the image and likeness of God, so we set about making someone over in the image and likeness of someone more easily understood, more easily controlled, more like us.

In our relationships, we sometimes find ourselves trying to change someone else to have them behave like us or conform to our expectations. We find ourselves wanting to "fix" another person in order to change a situation. If a relationship with a spouse, a child, a friend, or a coworker, is not working, or is causing conflict, we go to great lengths to find ways to erase the conflict without even identifying its source. We avoid the issue, or the person, or deny the conflict really exists.

Often, we blame other influences for causing the conflict. More often than not, we convince ourselves that if we could just "fix" the other person, the conflict would be resolved. In our quick fix of another, we set about making elaborate rules, structures, and reward systems.

We reason, we imply, we command, we exemplify, we preach, we trick, we whine. We do everything but recognize the truth.

The truth is that no matter what you do you cannot "fix" another person.

If they don't want to change, you can't change them. If they don't want a relationship, you can't make it happen. If they insist on being themselves, you can't make them into someone else. No matter how hard you try, you can't make a pig sing, nor can you make your own song pleasurable to the pig.

Sometimes we know that what another person is doing could be harmful physically, morally, spiritually or professionally to himself/herself or to others. At these times, it is a spiritual work of mercy to admonish, council, or suggest. But none of that guarantees a change in another person. We need to realize that we are not responsible for another's behavior. We are responsible only for how we respond to it. And, in our response, we have a great opportunity to demonstrate true Christian behavior.

The heart of our response should be recognizing God's perspective on our relationships, or situations in which there is conflict, and asking, "What can I learn about myself in this?"

Instead of focusing on another person, if we focus on ourselves and our response and look beyond the present situation, we will be able to establish a meaningful connection to another that will heal instead of wound. If there is to be a change, the only one we should be concerned about changing is our self. And that change should liberate the spirit of another.

Often, our only response is prayer. Pray for a change of heart or perspective. Pray for the wisdom to step back and allow another to grow by using his/her own resourcefulness and purpose.

When we allow God to work all things together for good, we begin to understand that the squeals of a pig may not sound like singing to us, but it does to the pig, and to God.

My father is right. Maybe what will remove frustration from our relationships, what we need to fix most, is our appreciation of the song of another and the way it is sung.